Not the Plan
I've been working for a few days on my next post. I've had experiences and learned lessons I've been called to write about. I can't wait to share. This post isn't one of those on which I've been working.
I was woken at 2:23 this morning and knew what I had to do. Yesterday, our extended family was inflicted a tragedy of unspeakable circumstances. There was no way I was going to use this forum to announce or explain it. I'm still questioning my right to type a single word that expresses any feelings of joy or peace. It wouldn't feel comfortable. It doesn't seem fair.
So I'm typing what I know to, what woke me up this morning.
Through my experience these last five months, my body has become stronger, my mind has become clearer and my relationship with God has just become. (I almost said "become deeper", but that would imply there was a relationship to deepen to begin with. I used to think about Him every day, but didn't know Him.)
My last three posts have been about a few of the experiences I've had and the strength I've developed with This Thorn. They were positive messages, powerful and valuable lessons I've learned, but none of them were overwhelmingly joyful. Since "surviving" Thanks-Christmas last Sunday, I've received many blessings and been present in moments of pure joy. I was eager to relate those here. But it's not time.
This morning, I write in deep sadness. My grieving is much less for my own loss, but for the indescribable pain felt by a loved one as she experiences the most tormenting of suffering to be afflicted on any mother. I've had not a single experience to share that could offer any encouragement. I've not learned any lessons that would give words of support. Nothing of me feels worthy to offer.
So, I'm left to do what I've done only a few times in my life, under the guidance or suggestion of some wiser friend or confidante.
I will pray on our niece's behalf. I will ask God to just be with her. There is little else she could possibly receive at this time. How could she see Him or feel Him in pain such as this? He is there though, and He can handle that.
My God knows if she's angry and questions, HOW COULD HE?! He's there with her despite the probability that she might curse or forsake Him. He can take it. He will love her through it, no matter what.
If she doubts, if she condemns, or even promises to leave, He will remain.
He will stand strong and hold, and love, and comfort, even if she doesn't want Him. He will not be pushed away, He will not turn His back. He knows and understands her torture most. He will be the constant even in the face of abandonment.
I'm confident in all of that. I'm overwhelmed with emotion because of it.
So I will pray on her behalf. I will intercede for her on what she cannot do for herself. I will pray all my prayers for her, with one exception. I will thank Him for the clearer mind and the deeper feelings that I'm now able to have as a result of my thorn. I can better put others before myself. My affliction is great, but His blessings are greater.
I will exhaust all of my prayers for her, but I will rest in Him.